We break, then we build, 1/1, Steve/Danny

[mangacat201]

We break, then we build (2614 words) (AO3 link) by Mangacat

Fandom: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Rating: PG
Relationships: Steve McGarrett/Danny "Danno" Williams
Characters: Steve McGarrett, Danny "Danno" Williams, Lou Grover, Aunt Deb (Hawaii Five-0 2010), Deb McGarrett

Additional Tags: Implied/Referenced Torture, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Panic Attacks, Episode Tag, episode: s05e08 ka hana malu
Series: Part 2 of Holding On

Summary: At first glance, all that’s left from his altercation with Wo Fat is a scar on his temple. That’s not true, but as Steve navigates going back on the job and taking care of his loved ones, Danny’s right there with him to support him, both body and mind.


A/N: Ok, I promise not to make this a thing, but this most recent episode of Hawaii-5-0 left open some perfect spaces to fill my hc_bingo square for ‘heart attack/heart trouble’ (with the addition of some creative license). So, here I am, writing another episode tag. If you like, you can view this as a sequel to ‘Surface Tension’, it’s certainly set in the same almost-canon-verse, but it works on its own, too. I should also mention that I in no way consulted my best doctor friend before writing this fic and therefore she’s invited to slap me upside the head for the strong possibility of medical inaccuracies of conditions I didn’t make up, but may have wrongly contextualized here. Also, still to impatient to have it betaed, whoever finds mistakes for me to fix will get a cookie.

Steve isn’t really sure why he doesn’t tell Aunt Deb that his love life isn’t quite so dreary anymore, despite the fact that he still feels a pang at the thought of Catherine and the way they left things. It’s not like he’s afraid of her reaction, Aunt Deb is going to be happy for him no matter who he’s with and he’s pretty sure she’s caught him making out with Terry Bradshaw on the back porch at least once even though they’d scrambled away from each other with fumbling teenage anxiety at the slightest creek of the house. Maybe he just wants to close the chapter on Catherine with his family and friends for good before opening himself up to having another relationship scrutinized,… made real by an admission to someone that is not one of the two people directly involved.

And this thing with Danny, it’s… easy and complicated, because they’re them and they’ve been working on so many levels for so long that the new aspect of their relationship that’s started developing in the aftermath of Wo Fat’s last attack has turned out to be just another piece of the puzzle. They already spend a considerable amount of time in each other’s lives, involved in a way that has always been deeper than partners, even friends. It’s not a stretch, it’s not even surprising – Steve is pretty sure there is a betting pool going somewhere on this island – and still, he feels like he’s on shaky ground. Not bad shaky, but still unsettled by the seamless way Danny fills that space in his heart that says ‘more’, like his name is the thread that closes wounds ripped open by the loss of loved ones, wounds that are held open by the absence of others.

Danny still calls him on his bullshit, isn’t afraid to stand up to him and for him. He also sees the things Steve manages to keep everyone else from noticing. Like after the chase of the anti-trust-fund kid this morning, when he handed the young man off to Grover without fanfare and then took Steve aside to ask him whether he was alright. Steve didn’t want Danny to see the blood draining from his face when the adrenaline from the chase tapered off. He didn’t want to admit that his heart was tripping over itself a little, missing a couple of beats until it came back even stronger than it needed to, a pulse he could feel like a dull pressure in his ears. It does that sometimes now, because according to the doctors that’s what happens when you get tasered repeatedly with voltages deemed appropriate for animals three times your size. It’s not an immediate danger and it doesn’t keep him from doing his job, from being as physical as he’s ever been in his life. But it’s a reminder of what he went through and that his body is not going to back him up on everything he sets his mind to without question anymore.

He doesn’t want to let anyone in on that secret, because it deeply unsettles his sense of self as member of one of the most elite forces in the nation and a man grown into the mindset of a soldier whose creed is mission over matter. But Danny doesn’t need to be told, he knows. He never lifted his fingers from Steve’s wrist where he had grabbed him to drag him away, shifting them over the pulse point and instructing Steve simply to ‘Breathe with me’ until he was satisfied that Steve wasn’t going to faint right there in the market and embarrass himself. He let him go with no more comment than a hand clasped against Steve’s neck and a thumb swiping over his jaw; a furtive touch that wouldn’t mean anything to the casual observer, but carried a very different weight for Steve all the same.

A light brush of fingers on the back of his hand makes him startle a little and realize that he’s left Aunt Deb idling while his mind wandered elsewhere. He opens his mouth to apologize for zoning out on her, but she just lifts her hand and waves him off. Smiles like she doesn’t mind. Or more likely has followed his thoughts on his face, something she’s always been able to do when he couldn’t find the words to express what was on his mind. She reaches over to rub her thumb lightly on the red scar tissue at his temple and he consciously stops himself from flinching away.
“Steve, do you think, someday you’re going to be able to let happiness just happen, the way that I did?”
“I… I think, I might be getting there.”
It’s a bold admission, but the brilliant smile she gives him in return is well worth the little twist in his stomach.
“Hmmm, well, off you go, do what you do. Make sure to lock up some hardened criminals today so we can have a quiet one tomorrow.”
That startles a laugh out of him and he is grateful that the atmosphere seems less loaded when he goes.
“Don’t worry, Aunt Deb, I’ve got it covered.”

~*~

And he thought he did, thought he was ready to be back on the job and handle the dangerous situations they find themselves in every other day. Right now though, he’s standing there amidst the shards of the overhead window and in front of the downed hit man, unable to move. He tries not to acknowledge the fact that his hands are shaking, little tremors running up his arm muscles, and that his finger refuses to unbend from the trigger. His heart is pounding in his ears, tripping again in a way that makes him feel like he doesn’t have enough time to take a breath in between beats and then too much time next. That’s how Danny finds him, frozen in place while the adrenaline shakes itself out through his muscles and sweat beads at his temples. His partner takes one look at him and plants himself firmly in Steve’s line of sight, blocking the body and crouching a little so he can meet Steve’s eyes with his arms spread at his side.

“Steve, talk to me, babe.”
Steve wants to answer, but it’s suddenly impossible to unstick his tongue from the roof of his mouth.
“I…”
Danny doesn’t move an inch, but his eyes flicker down to where Steve’s hands tremble around the grip of his weapon. Steve can see his glorious mind racing and he desperately wants to keep up, but he’s still stuck on the feeling of dragging too little air into his lungs.
“It’s alright, we’ll get there in a moment. Do you think you can give me that gun?”
He moves very slowly to pick a plastic evidence bag out of a side pocket of his tac-vest and when he holds it out, Steve is finally able to shake the rigor locking up his muscles and his body feels like his own again. He automatically flips the safety on and straightens his finger before dropping his semi-automatic in the bag. He watches silently as Danny closes up the bag and hands it to Grover, who has come up behind Steve and is still relaying the situation to dispatch. He watches them exchange silent glances, before Danny takes Steve’s arm and steers him towards the kitchen, glass crackling underneath their shoes.

Steve tries to draw calm breaths in through his nose, out through his mouth, but the dizziness that’s causing little slivers of light to creep in at the edge of his vision tells him he’s not quite successful. Danny closes the sliding door behind them, cutting them off from the rest of the scene and leans Steve against the fridge just when his legs weaken enough to make him stumble. He puts a couple of fingers onto the pulse point right under Steve’s jaw, flicks his eyes to his watch and starts talking like it’s an everyday occurrence that he guides his partner through what Steve will never admit is probably a panic attack.

“So, Steven, you decided that dropping in through the overhead window in front of a perp with an automatic weapon was totally called for.”
Steve tries to concentrate on Danny’s fingers on his skin, the fact that his hair is sticking up a little like Danny is a cat who’s got his hackles raised by the fight, the steady in and out of his breath.
“Quickest way…in.”
“Of course, also the most recklessly dangerous way, but that goes without saying. Do you feel dizzy?”
“Yes.”
“Any pain in your chest, constricted feeling, shortness of breath?”
Steve feels his heartbeat stumble under Danny’s fingers, knows it’s futile to play tough and lie, no matter how much he wants to.
“No, yes… a little bit.”
“Hmmm…”

“Danny, I… I can’t…”
“Of course you can’t, because last time you shot a guy, you escaped a bullet to the brain by a fraction of an inch. So naturally, you have to go off and do it again.”
Danny’s tone is tempered, his voice low, but Steve can hear him yelling just as well as if he was screaming into his ears. It’s a formidable talent Mrs Williams passed on to her son. Strangely enough, the controlled burn of Danny’s wrath makes Steve feel better. If Danny feels like he can batter him with protective fury that means he’s not worried about the situation devolving any further. Steve registers his pulse evening out and his breath syncing with Danny’s when he completely focuses on his Jersey spitfire.

“Danny…”
“Shut up. I don’t want to hear any more of your hare-brained excuses right now.”
Danny doesn’t look up, so caught up in his righteous indignation that he misses completely how Steve’s world shifts from chance and new and maybe to absolute certainty.
“Danny…!”
“What?”
When Danny finally lifts his head to meets Steve’s eyes, fierce and steady, beautiful, the words almost get stuck in his throat, making his voice thready and thin.
“Kiss me.”

Danny looks at him with wide eyes, jaw slack and an incredulous expression on his face. Steve’s stomach drops with the realization that Danny’s not going to do it, that he overstepped his bounds and shattered that fragile thing between them with his selfish need. But then fingers on his pulse turn into a hand at the nape of his neck and he hears Danny mutter: “Oh, for the love of…”

Their mouths meet fast, almost frantic. Steve almost bites Danny’s lip and their tongues don’t quite meet the right way in the beginning, but it’s good, it’s so much better than he could have imagined. And the more they touch and kiss and cling to each other, the more Steve feels the strength returning to his legs, the calm settling in his heart and the realization crystalize that this is what will always anchor him in a storm. This is his peace of mind.

Steve doesn’t want to let go of Danny, wants to explore and map new territory, lose himself in their connection, but they’re still in the middle of an investigation at an active crime scene. It’s no surprise that they’re interrupted by a knock at the kitchen door.
“CSU incoming. You alright in there, McGarrett?”
Grover wisely doesn’t open the door, but his pronouncement makes it very clear that their time is up, for now anyway. Danny leans back, pupils blown, cheeks slightly red and he punches Steve’s chest a couple of times with a loose fist.

“So there goes every last shred of my professional integrity. I swear to God, McGarrett, you are unbelievable.”
“Hey, how is this suddenly my fault?”
“McGarrett?”
Danny answers Grover through the door without taking his eyes off of Steve.
“Yeah, we’re fine, don’t worry. Out in a sec.”
He wags his finger in Steve’s face, but his eyes crinkle with barely suppressed mirth.
“Since we have to go out there and do some proper police work in a minute, this discussion is on hold, but don’t think you’re off the hook, got it?”
Steve feels a smile tug at corner of his mouth, but he tries to suppress it, feigning earnestness.
“I know, Danno.”
“I mean it.”
Danny pokes him in the chest one last time before turning to open the sliding door.
“I’m sure you do.”

Steve lets Danny go off to direct the CSUs filing into the apartment and stops next to Grover, who throws looks between him and his partner with a pensive expression.
“I’m sorry, I…”
“No, it’s alright, I get it.”
Grover lays a hand on his shoulder and squeezes a little. Steve clears his throat and shuffles his feet awkwardly, which is about the least subtle approach he could have taken.
“I just needed…”
“Yeah… Don’t worry about it.”
Steve wonders if there’s a hint in Grover’s tone that he’s picked up on something besides Steve having a bit of a dramatic moment there, but the veteran officer doesn’t say anything else. He decides to heed his advice and not worry about it too much right now. They still have a case to take of that deserves his attention and he’s quite sure Danny won’t be going anywhere for a while yet.
“Ok, come on, let’s figure this out.”

~*~

Steve is glad that the dust on the case has settled when it’s time to give Aunt Deb away. In the sunshine of the new day and looking up to the two people at the dais, who will make each other truly happy for however much time they’re going to get, he feels light and content in a way he hasn’t for a long time. With the wrap up and the preparation for the wedding there was not enough time to sort out what happened between him and Danny and the tension has been building between them. Not in a bad way, just… anticipatory. He’d harangued Danny about his stripy socks this morning regardless and got the response that those were lucky socks and a non-negotiable concession for the monkey suits. But Danny took his place right at the top next to Steve like there was absolutely no question about where he would belong and it warms Steve’s heart to know that his family, old and new, is by his side for this celebration.

Steve hadn’t planned on any grand gestures or a public announcement, but the moment the first notes sound from the piano, his hand seeks out Danny’s at his side and tangles their fingers without running the order past his brain first anyway. It’s not a move that’ll be visible to most of the people around them, much less noticed when everyone is riveted by the couple up front and Danny hasn’t moved a muscle other than squeezing Steve’s hand back. He’s fairly sure they both have little idea where they are going to take their relationship, ultimately, but Steve knows they’re on the same page on one thing – wanting to have what Aunt Deb is expressing with her song in their lives. If they happened to be that to the other at some point, all the better. What he knows is that Danny makes him strong, stable and he draws Danny out of his shell. They balance each other and that is the foundation on which Steve plans to make that next step work.

For now, he just basks in the contentment and the feeling of ohana that settles in his bones; lets it wash away the lingering hurt and fear and replace them with something hopeful and bright.

Fin